yep, i still have some random holiday items floating around my house: tissue, flannel, evergreen and stockings hanging that haven't found their way into storage boxes yet.
maybe it's because this past christmas season seemed much more sad and lonely without my dad here to make life feel joyful. holidays didn't feel worth celebrating.
emotions i have are tucked deep down inside, where i have this secret hope that i'll really experience his presence. if i can only find time to be quiet.
to be still. to be more present. but instead, these days i only feel rushed, tired, overworked, and a bit lost.
in truth, part of me keeps trying to push off these feelings of loneliness half believing he is just on a long vacation. but i wake up remembering, he's really gone.
making the world feel more dark for me.
perhaps i have been holding onto some of these holiday remnants to remember how he always made life feel like chrsitmas throughout the year. maybe i'm lazy. maybe i'm sad. maybe i don't care. it's all true.
i can't believe that it's february, and soon it will be valentine's day. maybe then i'll find some quiet time, pack up remnants of winter, and make room to allow my heart to be filled up with love.
maybe resolutions and change shouldn't come at new years, but rather valentines day instead. get rid of the hallmark occassion and instead mark my calendar to pack up the old and to remember the good things,the good times. my family. my dad. remember the love.
while it feels longer to me than the 5 months (october15) since we had to say goodbye to dad...and maybe on valentine's day i'll find ways to see or feel him. maybe in the approach of warmer days. hoping for the quiet. hoping to not feel so tired, so lost, so out of time.
maybe i'll find him in my writing. it's certainly where he wanted me to spend more time.
i should have felt it sooner! even as i type out these last few words, i realize - here I AM sitting here in the quiet, in the darkened, peacefulness of my house. the television off, not a sound but the keyboard. my sleeping dog on the opposite couch. YES, right NOW i realize i have a bit of what i have been longing for...he is here. he is present, right now, he is surrounding me with love. encouraging me to do what he knew i loved doing; what he hoped i would find time to be doing more of...
writing.
so, i guess i can take down my stuff tomorrow...love is here early, even if i am running late to feel the season.
xo
linda
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